Server Not Servant

Confronting without Confrontation

Pushing Back

Book Chapter: Confronting without Confrontation

Posted: 07/8/2010

I heard him as soon as I entered the store. He was a well-dressed ‘gentleman’ sitting to my left on the second of four stools facing the sidewalk. He was speaking so loudly into his cell phone, that a few other customers rolled their eyes or shook their heads, resigned to his affront.

Some blog posts take several hours to plan, research and write. Others, like this one, literally almost hit me in the face. I knew this day would come, and I was ready.

After ordering my sandwich at the deli counter in the back of the Groceria, I came back up front to pay the cashier. “Loud guy”(LG) was still yammering away on his cell phone, much to the dismay of everyone in the store. While paying, I muttered, Can you believe this?, to the clerk, who shrugged in agreement, as if to say, I know man, but what can I do?

As I grabbed some napkins just two feet from LG, I pulled out my cell phone and faked an incoming call, loud enough for him to hear me.

Hey Tommy. I’m in a store and can’t talk. I’ll call you in a bit. Loud Guy neither flinched nor took the hint. His volume didn’t drop a decibel, grating on everyone within earshot. The owner and cashier fidgeted behind the counter, but said nothing.

After taking a seat at the small counter on the other side of the entrance, I assessed the situation and worked through my options. I glared at LG in disbelief twice; then shaking my head, I muttered, Quiet, loud enough for the gentleman sitting 2 stools away to respond in agreement, but apparently not loud enough to have any impact on LG.

What made the one-sided conversation even more painful is that LG was haggling with a flower shop employee in a condescending tone.

Sixty-five dollars? Come on, can’t you do the whole thing for me for fifty?, he pleaded.

After agreeing on a price, he proceeded to read off his credit card information over the phone. He interrupted and corrected the flower shop employee twice as the card numbers were read back to him for verification. While he slowly repeated the numbers as if he were speaking to a child, I reached my limit.

I calmly but deliberately turned to LG and said,

Excuse me, out of respect for everyone you’re sharing public space with, could you please lower your volume or take the call outside?

The elderly gentleman sitting 2 stools away from LG immediately looked at me as if to say, Wow. Where did that come from? My ally, sitting near me snapped a look at LG,  and blurted, I agree.

The tension in the store broke as the workers and customers all stared at the man as if to say, Seriously. How could you think that was ok?

Loud Guy gave me a patronizing smirk, but immediately reduced his volume to just above a whisper.

Now came the moment of truth. Would the guy finish his call and challenge me? Would he make a snide remark when he left? Surprisingly, he picked up his belongings and left without incident or comment and continued his call on the far side of the sidewalk.

After he left, a bit shaken, I turned to the gentleman sitting next to me and said, Thank you for your support. Most people would sit there seething but  put their heads down when someone speaks up. He replied, You’re welcome. I always take my calls outside, in the foyer or in the restroom away from people. It’s all about awareness.

Amen, brother. Amen.

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The Best Defense Is a Good Offense

Book Chapter: Confronting without Confrontation

Posted: 03/15/2010

Opening and operating a successful and profitable restaurant takes an extraordinary amount of hard work. If you’ve never been part of opening a new restaurant, it is a frenetic, frightening and fantastic experience. Everything is in a constant state of flux, and you’re always a phone call or moments away from disaster. (Licensing delays, kitchen meltdowns, delivery issues, construction catastrophes, and inspection issues, to name only a few.)  

According to AA Gill, restaurant critic for The Sunday Times, 80% of independent restaurants fail within the first three years. In addition to the daunting odds stacked against them, restaurateurs also contend with an exploding number of amateur, know-it-all, online critics. Many of the entitled posters are anonymous, and naturally they are all experts at running a restaurant…

I’ve been an avid reader of restaurant reviews over the last several years. With sites like Citysearch, Chowhound, Yelp and OpenTable, anyone with internet access can broadcast an opinion to the world with very little effort. Some amateur reviewers do a tremendous job of considering all facets of operating a restaurant when posting their reviews. These folks are extremely thoughtful and fair, even when posting a very negative review. They’ll give a restaurant the benefit of the doubt, especially if the ‘problems’ they cite are not personally offensive, insulting or egregious. (Service issues at a new restaurant for example.) These reviewers have credibility because they care about restaurateur’s reputations and know that livelihoods are at stake.

Unfortunately, there’s a brigade of very irresponsible amateur reviewers who omit critical details when trashing a restaurant. Either they didn’t get their way, didn’t get something for free; or they instigated the problem. I’ve witnessed several exchanges between posters that eventually revealed “the rest of the story,” exonerating the restaurant, only to have the entire thread removed by the moderators of a site. I understand why most of the consumer sites side with the posters, but the credibility of the sites comes into question when moderators censor truths supporting restaurants and their personnel.

Some sites do offer restaurants an opportunity to share their side of the story. However, most have restrictions on how restaurants can respond and limitations on what they can respond to. The reality is that most busy restaurateurs don’t have time to respond to every inaccurate, negative comment made about their establishments. They’re too busy running their crowded restaurants!!

I’m going to discuss this topic at length in my book, but a couple of things happened over the last few weeks that I wanted to share.

I was enjoying dinner at the bar one evening when I heard a customer ask a host the dreaded question, Could I speak with a manager, please? The gentleman who asked for the manager met some resistance from his dining companion, but he remained firm and suggested she wait in the foyer if she didn’t want to hear the conversation. When the manager arrived, the customer looked him in the eye, introduced himself, calmly voiced his concern, and explained why he was leaving without eating dinner. After what looked like a productive conversation, the customer took the manager’s business card and shook his hand again before leaving. A class act.

Of course many customers race home to their keyboards and unmercifully rip restaurants to shreds, without the decency of giving the restaurant the benefit of the doubt, or an opportunity to right a wrong by speaking up when something happens. Great restaurants will do everything they can, within reason, to convert customers from guests to ambassadors. It was refreshing to see a customer step up and do the right thing instead of bombarding the Internet with “Never going back,” or, “Worst night ever,” next to the restaurant’s name. The customer who spoke up to the manager could end up become a loyal regular because he did the right thing.

Lastly, I’ve noticed a trend on facebook lately where more restaurants are posting about bad customer behavior immediately after it happens, before a customer can launch an attack. Here’s an example from one of the best restaurants in Boston that is extremely diligent about the execution of their food and their commitment to hospitality and great service;

Dear table X. We are sorry you needed to make a scene and storm out because we wouldn’t serve drinks to your underage child. No need to hurry back.

Very truly yours,

The Management.

This preemptive strike is brilliant, and inoculates anyone who might see a negative comment about the restaurant with “the rest of the story.” I recommend more restaurateurs follow suit and remember that the best defense is a good offense!

Interesting side note: According to Wikipedia; AA (Adrian Anthony) Gill was once ejected from one of Gordon Ramsay’s restaurants, along with his dining partner Joan Collins. Ramsay’s reason was that Gill had written a review of his restaurant that covered his personal life more than the food, including calling him a wonderful chef, but a “second-rate human being”.

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I Have a Plane to Catch

Book Chapter: Confronting without Confrontation

Posted: 01/30/2010

Thank you to everyone who has emailed me with your stories. You are providing invaluable content for the  book, and a true Voice for Service Industry Workers Everywhere. I am grateful for your time, effort, and thoughtful comments. My resolve to complete and publish the book is strengthened with every email I receive. Please keep ‘em coming.

Here are a few examples;

AC- I was standing in the security line at the airport with a family of 5 in front of me, and another single passenger in front of them. A woman walked around all of us up to the conveyor belt, and grabbed a plastic tub and started filling it with her stuff. The solo guy, who she immediately cut right in front of, asked her, “What are you doing?” She tersely replied, “I have a plane to catch,” unapologetically discounting the existence of anyone else around her.  (I wondered if she thought the rest of us were there just practicing how to get through security, or just for the fun of hanging around the airport.) The gentleman asserted, “You just cut in front of a whole group of people.” After a tense exchange, including the woman stating that she was “already there’” and in a big rush, the guy reluctantly let her go. Some days you’re just not up for the fight.

As it turns out, everyone waiting in line was on the same flight, and the cutter was sitting right behind me on the plane. As we were getting settled, she was blathering loudly into her cellphone and complaining about how some guy tried to prevent her from going through security. At that point, I had to speak up. I turned to her and said, “No, you were wrong and you cut everyone.” She immediately cowered in shame and lowered her voice. Maybe she’ll think twice next time.

SW- I was standing on line at Flour Bakery on Washington Street in the South End of Boston one Saturday afternoon. If you’ve ever been to the best bakery in town on a Saturday afternoon, you know the scenario, looooong line, but for the most part, people are patient and easy going about it. Most people recognize that this is the very small price you pay for the best pastry and coffee!

Typically, I click into the vibe and just hang on line observing the fortunate people who got there before me enjoying their treats. This particular Saturday though I happened to be late for a meeting and a little more fidgety than usual, repeating my order in my head a hundred times while shifting from left foot to right and barely inching forward. I kept hoping that the 2 adorable girlfriends ahead of me would have fun stories to tell each other so that I would be distracted eavesdropping. I noticed the watch of a patron ahead of me and realized that from the time I glanced at the clock as I jumped out of the car until this moment, twenty minutes of my life had slipped away, and it was right about at that moment that a woman came barging into the bakery and loudly proclaimed to the 2 adorable girls ahead of me, “I’m just grabbing pastry to go, so I’m NOT waiting in this line.”

 {We all have witnessed these people hastily walk into a room sighing, as if they are annoyed that they have to contend with anyone else in the human race. You can feel them thinking, “What are all of these people doing in MY way?”} 

One of the girls politely, but firmly replied, “I’m sorry, we’re all waiting on line for the same reason.” The woman repeated, “No, I’M not waiting in this line. It’s ridiculous. I’m just grabbing pastry to go.” The girls refused to cave in and very calmly and coolly replied, “You’re going to have to go to the end of the line and wait like everyone else.”  

Now instead of repeating my order over and over in my head, I started rehearsing all of the nasty, vile things I would have said to this brash woman had she so rudely tried to verbally push me around. Then I started to be thankful that she had in fact attacked “the wrong people.” Instead of dealing with my wrath and getting the verbal beating she so deserved, this woman’s misfortune struck when she came across the 2 super sweet, polite, kind and well-raised young women who didn’t get flustered for even a second, and put her in her place without missing a beat in their own conversation. Thank goodness there are still good people in the world, and thank goodness they were placed in front of me that day. The woman stormed out without her pastry.

Another reader sent this quote from Tennessee Williams: A high station in life is earned by the gallantry with which appalling experiences are survived with grace.

Cutting in line: It’s not all good. More people need to speak up. We can increase awareness, one person at a time.

Posted in Confronting without Confrontation, Personal Pet Peeves | 6 Comments »