Server Not Servant

Archive for January, 2010

I Have a Plane to Catch

Book Chapter: Confronting without Confrontation

Posted: 01/30/2010

Thank you to everyone who has emailed me with your stories. You are providing invaluable content for the  book, and a true Voice for Service Industry Workers Everywhere. I am grateful for your time, effort, and thoughtful comments. My resolve to complete and publish the book is strengthened with every email I receive. Please keep ’em coming.

Here are a few examples;

AC– I was standing in the security line at the airport with a family of 5 in front of me, and another single passenger in front of them. A woman walked around all of us up to the conveyor belt, and grabbed a plastic tub and started filling it with her stuff. The solo guy, who she immediately cut right in front of, asked her, “What are you doing?” She tersely replied, “I have a plane to catch,” unapologetically discounting the existence of anyone else around her.  (I wondered if she thought the rest of us were there just practicing how to get through security, or just for the fun of hanging around the airport.) The gentleman asserted, “You just cut in front of a whole group of people.” After a tense exchange, including the woman stating that she was “already there'” and in a big rush, the guy reluctantly let her go. Some days you’re just not up for the fight.

As it turns out, everyone waiting in line was on the same flight, and the cutter was sitting right behind me on the plane. As we were getting settled, she was blathering loudly into her cellphone and complaining about how some guy tried to prevent her from going through security. At that point, I had to speak up. I turned to her and said, “No, you were wrong and you cut everyone.” She immediately cowered in shame and lowered her voice. Maybe she’ll think twice next time.

 

SW- I was standing on line at Flour Bakery on Washington Street in the South End of Boston one Saturday afternoon. If you’ve ever been to the best bakery in town on a Saturday afternoon, you know the scenario, looooong line, but for the most part, people are patient and easy going about it. Most people recognize that this is the very small price you pay for the best pastry and coffee!

Typically, I click into the vibe and just hang on line observing the fortunate people who got there before me enjoying their treats. This particular Saturday though I happened to be late for a meeting and a little more fidgety than usual, repeating my order in my head a hundred times while shifting from left foot to right and barely inching forward. I kept hoping that the 2 adorable girlfriends ahead of me would have fun stories to tell each other so that I would be distracted eavesdropping. I noticed the watch of a patron ahead of me and realized that from the time I glanced at the clock as I jumped out of the car until this moment, twenty minutes of my life had slipped away, and it was right about at that moment that a woman came barging into the bakery and loudly proclaimed to the 2 adorable girls ahead of me, “I’m just grabbing pastry to go, so I’m NOT waiting in this line.”

 {We all have witnessed these people hastily walk into a room sighing, as if they are annoyed that they have to contend with anyone else in the human race. You can feel them thinking, “What are all of these people doing in MY way?”} 

One of the girls politely, but firmly replied, “I’m sorry, we’re all waiting on line for the same reason.” The woman repeated, “No, I’M not waiting in this line. It’s ridiculous. I’m just grabbing pastry to go.” The girls refused to cave in and very calmly and coolly replied, “You’re going to have to go to the end of the line and wait like everyone else.”  

Now instead of repeating my order over and over in my head, I started rehearsing all of the nasty, vile things I would have said to this brash woman had she so rudely tried to verbally push me around. Then I started to be thankful that she had in fact attacked “the wrong people.” Instead of dealing with my wrath and getting the verbal beating she so deserved, this woman’s misfortune struck when she came across the 2 super sweet, polite, kind and well-raised young women who didn’t get flustered for even a second, and put her in her place without missing a beat in their own conversation. Thank goodness there are still good people in the world, and thank goodness they were placed in front of me that day. The woman stormed out without her pastry.

Another reader sent this quote from Tennessee Williams: A high station in life is earned by the gallantry with which appalling experiences are survived with grace.

Cutting in line: It’s not all good. More people need to speak up. We can increase awareness, one person at a time.

Permalink | Posted in Confronting without Confrontation, Personal Pet Peeves | 7 Comments »

Why Don’t People Care?

Book Chapter: Manners / Gratitude

Posted: 01/27/2010

Do you ever wonder why some people just don’t care unless it involves them? The question will be discussed at length in my book, but I want to put it out there for discussion.

Last night when I got to the gym at 8 o’clock, the locker room was packed as the after-work crowd was getting ready to head home or out on the town. I searched for some space to change, farthest away from all other humans. I finally found a corner with a little breathing room and a bench. As is often the case, a wet, used towel was on top of the bench, along with 2 wooden hangers that are usually inside of the lockers. It always amazes me that people who work out at a gym are too lazy to clean up after themselves. (Huge personal pet peeve.) I envision, Someone else will get it, going through the minds of the offenders, if anything at all. So much for leaving an area the way you’d like to find it.

After working out, I went to the very small steam room inside of the men’s locker room. There was one guy inside the steam, sitting on the left side of  the L-shaped bench that can accommodate 4 guys, max. I sat on the right side of the bench, on the opposite side, and as far away from the other guy as possible. Despite the fact that the gym is only a few years old, the temperature in the steam room is usually one extreme or the other, and very erratic. So there we were, 2 guys wrapped in towels in a cold steam room, waiting for the heat, careful not to make eye contact. The awkward silence in a steam or sauna is much worse than riding in an elevator, because it usually lasts longer. It’s even worse after you say hello and get no response, regardless of how innocuous or terse the greeting is. 

This reminds me of comedian Stephen Wright’s quip; When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. It could have also been steam room practice.

Finally, the tension broke as the steam came roaring on and the temperature started to climb. As the heat and humidity started to kick in, someone opened the door, didn’t even look in, and let the door close very slowly, allowing the precious heat to escape. Guy #1 and I both made noises in disgust implying, What was that? Eventually another guy (#3) walks in and Guy #1 doesn’t slide over to make room for him. I’m already sitting at the end of my bench, so there’s nowhere for me to go. Guy #3 doesn’t push the issue, and decides to stand.  Another guy walks in and hurriedly brushes by standing Guy#3, and approaches the bench #1 is on as if to say, Make room, now, without even asking the guy who was there before him if he was waiting for a seat.  Guy #1 did slide over, and eventually when he left, he let the door close slowly, instead of quickly slamming it behind him…

As I sat there in my own little world, with my head down, occasionally lifting my eyes only high enough to watch what was going on, the questions, What makes people thoughtful?,  and Why don’t some people care? came to mind. Is it really that hard to think about how we would want to be treated while interacting and/or sharing space with other human beings? Apparently, for some people it is.

As I left the locker room, I counted fourteen steps from the bench the dirty towel was on, to the closest laundry bin that I had to pass on the way out.

So much for de-stressing at the gym. I guess if it weren’t for “them” I wouldn’t have a book to write…

I’m interested to hear your experiences and theories. Thank you.

Permalink | Posted in Manners / Gratitude, Personal Pet Peeves | 20 Comments »

Participatory Journalism

Book Chapter: Family-Life Experiences

Posted: 01/24/2010

The life and intriguing career of the late George Plimpton (1927-2003), have fascinated me from a very young age. I admire his writing, and there is something very endearing and romantic about his “participatory journalism.” If you’ve never heard of Mr. Plimpton, his varied life included experiences as an “amateur professional,” where he participated in roles with professional athletes, and then wrote about them. His adventurous stints included boxing, baseball, hockey, tennis and football. One of his most popular books, Paper Lion chronicled his experience as a quarterback with the Detroit Lions in 1963, which included running five plays in an intra-squad scrimmage. I share Plimpton’s curiosity about people and envy the roles that he’s played. As noted in his obituary in The New York Times, “Mr. Plimpton believed that it was not enough for writers of nonfiction to simply observe; they needed to immerse themselves in whatever they were covering to understand fully what was involved.”

Last week I received a link to an article from my friend, Adam Pires, a carpenter who was also a fine-dining waiter for several years. The article that appeared in The Globe and Mail, was written by Alexandra Gill, a Vancouver restaurant critic. Ms. Gill, who is notorious for being tough on servers, agreed to work as a server for a week, and as the sub-title for the article states, It’s a lot easier to dish it out than to take it.

As readers of this blog know, I’ve always maintained that people with customer service industry experience have greater empathy and appreciation for all service industry workers that they interact with. Many readers have concurred that a mandatory service industry stint as a prerequisite to graduating high school, might not be a bad idea. 

I commend Alexandra Gill for walking a mile in a server’s shoes. She agreed to spend a week training with Patrick Malpass, a waiter who she was particularly hard on in a favorable review of Cioppino’s Mediterranean Grill in Vancouver. Alexandra writes, “I actually called him ‘The Dictator’ and wrote that there was a point during the meal when I felt the urge to punch him. Ouch.” 

After Alexandra’s week shadowing, training, then taking some tables on her own, she shared her lessons learned; “…my week as a fine-dining waitress taught me two important lessons. First, this job is no cakewalk; it’s one of the most backbreaking, mind-rattling, stressful careers out there. Those, like Patrick, who go the extra mile, have earned my utmost respect. Perhaps more importantly, at least from a critic’s perspective, I also learned that poor service can’t always be blamed solely on the waiter. For better or worse, it takes a whole restaurant to please a customer, and the people behind the scenes can either make or break a dinner.”

On Friday, two days after the article appeared, Alexandra Gill and Patrick Malpass, the head waiter at  Cioppino’s for more than 10 years, participated in a live, on-line chat. I asked each of them to complete the following sentence:

Based on your serving experience, serving would be a lot easier if customers _________.

Patrick Malpass: Loaded question…I guess serving would be a lot easier if customers would have a little confidence in the fact that the majority of us really know how to do our jobs, so just let us do them, you might just be pleased with the results.

Alexandra: Serving would be a lot easier if customers… were honest. Some are too intimidated to say what they really want. Others are trying too hard to show off. Be humble. Be truthful. We can’t help you if you can’t help yourself.

There’s a great scene in the movie Good Will Hunting, between psychologist Sean Maguire (Robin Williams) and 20 year-old genius and MIT janitor Will Hunting (Matt Damon) sitting in the Public Garden in Boston looking out at the Swan Boats. In an earlier scene Will mocked Sean’s art work and disrespected Sean’s wife.

Will: So what’s this? A Taster’s Choice moment between guys? This is really nice. You got a thing for swans? Is this like a fetish? It’s something, like, maybe we need to devote some time to?

Sean: I thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting.

Will: eah?

Sean: Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me, I fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and I haven’t thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?

Will: No.

Sean: You’re just a kid. You don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about.

Will: Why thank you.

Sean: It’s all right. You’ve never been out of Boston.

Will: Nope.

Sean:  So, if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo. You know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seen that….If I ask you about women, you’d probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You’re a tough kid. I ask you about war, you’d probably uh…throw Shakespeare at me, right? “Once more into the breach, dear friends.” But you’ve never been near one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap, and watched him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I ask you about love, y’probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable…known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you..who could rescue you from the depths of Hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, and to have that love for her be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleepin’ sittin’ up in a hospital room for two months, holding her hand because the doctors could see in your eyes that the terms visiting hours don’t apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you: I don’t see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius, Will. No one denies that. no one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine and ripped my fuckin’ life apart. You’re an orphan, right? Do you think I’d know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are because I read Oliver Twist?

Interestingly, George Plimpton had a small role in Good Will Hunting, playing a psychologist. 

Permalink | Posted in Family-Life Experiences | 1 Comment »

Overtip Breakfast Servers

Book Chapter: Personal Pet Peeves

Posted: 01/18/2010

Before I start a new post, I wanted to give you an update on the 98 housekeepers fired by Hyatt. I attended a demonstration on Friday at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Boston. I spoke with several of the fired housekeepers and confirmed that their managers told them that they were training the people who eventually replaced them, only to cover for them if they went on vacation. I also confirmed that Boston Hyatt hotels have lost at least $2 million from groups who cancelled their reservations and/or events due to the firings. What a bad business decision all around. Hyatt has already lost a couple of years worth of ‘savings’ that they thought they would realize as a result of the firings and out-sourcing. The battle continues. Please stay tuned for additional updates.

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Long before bartenders were called mixologists, stewardesses became flight attendants, and secretaries insisted on administrative assistant, I received a book called, Life’s Little Instruction Book as a stocking stuffer from my mom. I can still remember the plaid jacket on the book H. Jackson Brown, Jr. wrote for his son who was leaving home to begin his freshman year in college. One of the many instructions that resonated with me was Overtip breakfast waitresses.

When I came from breakfast this morning, I decided to follow through on an idea I had over the weekend about starting a facebook group called, Overtip Breakfast Servers. It amazes me that there are so many people who are adamant about not tipping, or undertipping, especially breakfast servers at inexpensive diners. It’s not required by law, It’s an outdated custom, If you don’t like it, get another job, Go back to school and get an education, and Get a real job, are common refrains from boorish cheapskates. I’d love to see these people try to work as a breakfast server for one week. I guarantee it would be life-changing.

This morning I ordered the $5.95 “Weekday Special,” which consisted of 2 cups of tea, 3 eggs, 3 sausages, 2 full pieces of toast(not 2 halves), and more homefries than I could eat. I could have substituted bacon for the sausage, or grits for the homefries, and also could have had a few more cups of tea for the same price. I enjoyed the “house” newspaper($1 on news stands), and had a nice conversation with Crystal, my waitress.

The breakfast came exactly as advertised on the menu. No extra charges for anything. Great service, no cooking, no clean-up, and a great deal.

How much of the $3.63 change would you have left for a tip and why?

Here are  a few of the things I think about when tipping at breakfast:

• Serving breakfast is a REAL (sometimes real hard) job.
• Many servers wake up at 4 am and have to be at work at 5:30.
• Most MA servers make a little more than $2/hour, and usually never more than $3.
• Servers often get stiffed. Yes, some people leave nothing (more often than you know).
• A lot of city servers take cabs to and from work ($$$).
• Servers who drive often have to feed the meter and move their cars every 2 hours, and pay parking tickets routinely.
• Some customers are brutal beyond belief.
• Breakfast checks are so much smaller than other meals.
• The 20% standard on the taxed amount goes out the window when it comes to tipping breakfast servers.
• 40% minimum at breakfast is a good rule of thumb, especially for very inexpensive “specials.” ($2.55 in the example above.)
• I read a newspaper for free that usually costs $1.
• A lot of people are grouchy and in a big rush in the morning.

I was at a diner one morning and a guy on the stool next to me left eleven pennies for a tip. When I asked the server about him, she said that he was a local preacher and he does that all the time. She insisted that I resist the impulse to chase him down the sidewalk and ask him what he was thinking. The war stories are endless.

Please share your thoughts and stories. Thank you.

Permalink | Posted in Personal Pet Peeves | 37 Comments »

Tales From the Road- “Bite the bullet, peasant.”

Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service

Posted: 01/13/2010

Since launching this blog at the end of October, I’ve received several emails, calls, questionnaire responses, and facebook messages that have strongly reinforced my resolve to see this project through. I really appreciate the effort made by everyone who has contacted me and by everyone who has been following and reading the blog. Thank you.

I wanted to share a few stories and some correspondence I’ve received:

– Mike Piehl, Berklee Grad, musician and carpenter, wrote a letter to the editor supporting the 12/6/09 piece in the Boston Globe Magazine featuring the blog. After reading Mike’s letter, I found him on facebook, and after swapping a few messages, I stopped into Atwood’s Tavern in Cambridge, MA where Mike was playing the drums to say hello. If you haven’t been to Atwood’s, it’s a great, old-school bar and restaurant with really good bands. The owners, Ben, Patrick and Ryan, are good guys who have worked hard to build a steady clientele. Liam, the quick-witted, engaging bartender, will keep you on your toes.

The night I visited, I swapped construction contracting stories with Mike (I had a painting contracting business), and he shared a story that I asked him to email to me later:

We’re working in this house in Cambridgeport doing finish-carpentry on this family’s kitchen. My friend Jorge and I were outside and just happened to come in quietly. The family doesn’t know we’re there. Their 11-yr old son comes home from school and his mother says, “Do you have any homework?” The son says, “Yeah, but I’ll do it later.” The mother snaps back, “You’ll do it now! Do you want to end up being a carpenter?”

–  SC in Boston via email for the Customer Hall of Shame book chapter;

I was working at Copy Cop in the early 80’s, just out of college. A known eccentric, a self-styled artiste, wanted some complicated copying done. I must have looked exasperated (having dealt with her before) so she offered the following words of comfort; “Bite the bullet, peasant.” That about says it all.

– My oldest brother Paul has made the long journey from Alaska to Boston several times in an RV with his loyal Newfoundlands on board. He constantly shares his ‘tales from the road’ by email, and he has shared the message and mission of this blog with several servers along the way. One of Paul’s regular stops is in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, his old stomping grounds. After Paul met John Kelly, a bartender in LaCrosse, I received the following email the next day;

I’m the manager of the Bodega Brew Pub in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. We carry over 350 different bottled beers at all times, domestic, imported and craft-brewed, as well as an ever-changing selection of draft beers. I was working the bar last evening and met your brother Paul, as he was passing through LaCrosse on his way to a teaching job in New York state. I enjoyed the conversation with him and suggesting several beers for him to try. He told me about your book and website, so I thought I’d contact you.

My life has taken an odd and circuitous path to lead me here. If someone had told me at the age of 18, when graduating high school, that at 44 I’d have a Ph.D. in mechanical engineering and managing a bar with one of the largest beer selections in the upper Midwest, I’d have told them they were crazy…The job intrinsically is the best there is, although the particulars can be more than frustrating. The Bodega is so unique, somehow an amalgam of a reality show, an esoteric comedy troupe, and a soap opera. Of course that could be said of most places. Regardless, I’ve enjoyed both the website and talking with your brother. Cheers-John

I hope everyone who has ever asked a server, What’s your real job? reads John’s comments. I also had a part-time doorman write in that a customer asked him, Did you even graduate high school to work this job? The doorman graduated from Boston University majoring in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology with a minor in Philosophy.

John Kelly- Thank you for your support. I look forward to raising several glasses with you when the book is published.

– Email from Warren Martinez :

Yes, your article did bring memories of days gone by, but not forgotten. I am still aware of service in any restaurant I visit. I guess it’s the by-product of years being in the business. Indeed there are some interesting stories to tell relative to the art of servicing people. My training started in 1937 setting tables for my parents’ Mexican Restaurant about an hour north of LA. I had to use a chair to stand on to set each table, forks on the left, knives and spoons on the right, making certain the blades were turned inward.

– Email from ST in Salem, MA:

“…Unfortunately, fueled by the mantra “The customer is always right,” the pendulum has swung so far to the extreme that servers have a new found fear because some trouble makers have learned that simply by making enough noise they can get a free lunch or get off on a power trip by bullying someone who is trying to do a good job. My wife and I love to eat out and have made it our practice to include the server in our experience and often will engage them in conversation… We’re almost always rewarded by not only having superior service, but also have enrichment in our lives…And all it takes is following the ancient golden rule.

– Questionnaire response from CS in LA, California: Why is it that some customers are rude and treat people in the service industries poorly?

I think there are those who believe that they are entitled by some right of birth to be superior, and therefore feel the common laws of humanity and civility don’t apply to them. They were typically raised in an environment that honed and encouraged this belief, and they have lacked proper life experience to teach them otherwise. They believe themselves to be so utterly distinguished and important and want everyone else in the world to understand the magnitude of their worth. Thus, they attempt to demonstrate their power by an extreme lack of compassion, courtesy and respect for others.

 Alternately, I feel there are those who consider themselves to be of a lower class and feel put-upon by society. Rather than understanding the plight of their server and relating as an equal, and more importantly, as a human, they act out some sort of antiquated caste revenge. They use their time in a restaurant to feel better about their own self-perceived low place in society by being rude to their servers, thus giving them a feeling of power and superiority.

– Email from Dick OBrien in Old Orchard Beach, Maine:

In 1973 I worked at a restaurant called Lechner’s in Boston. Werner Lechner was a fantastic cook and we achieved a four-star rating from Anthony  Spinazzola. That is when four stars meant something. Werner used to tell his customers to treat his help well because good help was very hard to find. He had a saying, “Customer is king, but not always right.”  (Dick’s email signature is, Work and Live With Passion.)

–  Email from EP in Ottawa, Ontario:

I’ve been working at call centers doing customer care work for the past four years. If you want a good perspective of how incredibly rude the human population can be, call center support workers probably have the best horror stories imaginable. Nobody can actually see who they’re talking to, therefore we can be screamed at, all while we’re trying to do our job efficiently and according to policy that we can’t change if we want to keep our jobs.

– Email from DZ (15-years restaurant industry experience) in Louisville, KY:

You are paying for a person’s time when you tip. If you only paid your contractor for the materials and not for the work they performed, it would be theft. A server is no different.

If there is some dirt on the lettuce (which grows in the dirt) in your salad, you should not get your entire meal for free. If there is something wrong with your food, your whole table is not entitled to free food as well.

– Questionnaire response from AS in Pewaukee, Wisconsin:

Most of the time people who are in the service industries get dehumanized. There are so few people who are outwardly kind. Maybe some people are shy, but also our society discourages strangers from being social in public. It is not so much that people are always rude, it is just that we are invisible to them, we cease to exist. The only reason I stay in the service industry is because of the good people, they make work tolerable.

– Questionnaire response from MS, a female server in Boston:

I asked a male customer with his baby if he’d like anything else with his coffee. He replied, “My baby would like some breast milk.”

– Questionnaire response from NC in Massachusetts:

Some countries have a requirement of every citizen to serve in the military. I think it would be wonderful if we had the requirement that everyone had to spend at least one year in a service position. Wishful thinking, I know!

– Email from MN, Boston:

Once a week my daughter and I go out to dinner together after hockey practice. After reading your list of 64 Suggestions for Restaurant Customers, we have changed our way of looking at dining out. A few weeks ago at dinner, Carlos, our server, came over and introduced himself. Instead of mumbling a token response, I stuck out my hand and introduced myself and my daughter. What a great time we had! Carlos gave my daughter a couple of different iced tea samples to try, and he noticed she liked the crackers and cheese, so he packed some extra for her to go. He was great. When we went in again last week, I made a point of requesting Carlos. He remembered us, and remembered what kind of iced tea my daughter liked. At one point my daughter turned to me and said, “Dad it’s like we’re regulars!” Your approach as a customer can make all the difference in the world.

 These sample responses are just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks again to everyone for writing. The questionnaire is now available under the “Submit Your Stories” tab at the top of the home page. Please keep the comments coming. Thank you-PM

1/14 Supplement: Updates on the devastation in Haiti and how you can help, can be found by clicking on Red Cross.

Permalink | Posted in Human-to-Human Service | 1 Comment »