“Sorry” -Donald Trump

By: Patrick Maguire

Book Chapter: Customer Hall of Shame

Posted: 11/19/2016

Dear America, “I apologize.”

That was hard for me, but I finally did it, despite the irony of the ‘quotes.’

  • I’m sorry for appearing like a thin-skinned, petulant child tweeting at the “very rude” Hamilton cast demanding that they apologize for exercising their First Amendment right, especially after I wantonly and rudely offended so many people across our great country during the presidential campaign.
  • I apologize to everyone who voted for me but couldn’t publicly admit it to their family, friends, fellow humans in their diner or coffee shop, and co-workers, because at the core, they know what a repulsive human I am, despite promising to lower the cost of their healthcare…
  • I’m sorry so many of the people who voted for me are no longer talking to many of their family members, friends, co-workers, and fellow humans in diners and coffee shops. And I’m sorry many of my supporters have been blocked by so many people on social media…
  •  I apologize to all of the good Hombres who were offended by my “Bad Hombres” comment. You can stay.
  • I apologize to all of the painters, carpenters, glassmakers,framers, plumbers, sheetrockers, roofers, electricians, steel workers, bartenders, real estate agents, and all of the blue and white collar workers who suffered severely when I stiffed you for the work you completed for me. Despite that fact, and all of the pending lawsuits, I deceived, manipulated and suckered millions of your co-workers and peers into voting for me under the guise of advocating for them. I’m sorry.
  • I’m sorry for not being able to advocate for anyone except Me, Myself, and I. (“I speak the truth,” and “Tell it like it is,” remember?)
  • I apologize to everyone who voted for me because I “said what you were thinking.” I wasn’t even thinking about what I was saying…
  • I apologize to all of the people who believed me when I said undocumented workers don’t pay taxes but benefit by freeloading off of government services. And I’m sorry for not paying taxes when you did.
  • I’m sorry for not sharing my tax returns…
  • I’m sorry that I’ve ‘calcified’ racism, bigotry, and sexism ‘into a national nightmare’ and set our (soon to be) great nation back 50 years.
  • I’m so sorry so many people had to vote for me by default just to see ‘change.’
  • I apologize to the Republican Party that ultimately I was ‘your guy.’ I didn’t expect to win this thing, I just wanted to elevate my brand and just be a “protest candidate.”
  • I’m sorry for all of the people who didn’t vote because they believed the polls that said their vote didn’t matter and that I didn’t have a chance. (On second thought, that’s on them.)
  • I apologize to all of the people who hold me in such high esteem. Extremists will defend their deity to the death because that defines/validates their existence. That devotion can be deadly.
  • I’m sorry for not having an ounce of decency. If I did, in the wake of my victory, in an effort to unify our  great country, I would have made a thoughtful, powerful, impassioned speech, vehemently denouncing the people who used my win as a catalyst for racist attacks, hate crimes, bigotry, and violence in my name. I apologize that I’m not smart or aware enough to know that our country needed that. I just don’t have it in me. Sorry about that.
  • I’m sorry I’m so ‘bad at twitter.’ I apologize that VP-elect Pence had to ‘take one for the team’ and provide cover while my $25m fraud settlement was announced… “Sorry, Baby Donald, I’m not taking the bait.”
  • I apologize for being such a ‘sorry’ human being.

Insincerely, “The Donald”

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