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Boorish Banker or Suspect Server?
By: Patrick Maguire
Book Chapter: Customer Hall of Shame
Posted: 09/17/2014
My first reaction was, “Another entitled, mysogynistic jerk.” And then I became wary of the credibility of the server’s story. So I reached out to the banker and the bartender for comment, and both replied. But let’s start with the events from over the weekend.
A post on the Kitchenette blog yesterday titled: Server Posts Epic Facebook Response After Customer Harasses Her, tells the story of a male customer allegedly sexually harassing a female server:
From Kitchenette: Every server who’s seen the abuse heaped on themselves and their co-workers has wanted to see a horrible customer get their just comeuppance through a public shaming. Today, our prayers have been answered, because someone did just that.
Laura Ramadei, a server and bartender in New York City, was at the end of her rope after five years’ experience in the industry and more than her share of terrible customers. So when a New York finance bro named Brian Lederman allegedly sexually harassed her, it was the last straw:
The piece linked to Laura’s facebook page where Laura described the incident in detail in a letter to the accused, Brian Lederman:
Dear Brian,
You came into the restaurant where I work and ordered a Stoli on the rocks. When I asked you and your companion if you’d be eating, or needing anything else from me, you put your hand – ever so gently – ON MY ASS and asked if you could take me “to go”.
The facebook post included a copy of the receipt including Brian’s name, a bill for $15.24, a scribble in the tip line, and a printed total of $17.24, indicating a $2 tip. If you’re not on facebook, I’ve included the full text of Laura’s post in the first comment below.
As the story started making the rounds, I reached out to Brian via Facebook DM:
Me (9/16 4:09pm): I’m publishing a piece on this. Would you like to share your side of the story? Thank you-PM (I included excerpts from Laura’s Facebook post and a link to the Kitchenette post.)
(All of Brian’s comments were cut and pasted verbatim, without edits. Perhaps they were voice-generated?)
Brian (9/16 4:11pm): You want to publish a piece of fabricated lies bet guest you will also be on my attorneys list to sue for defamation you like to publish hearsay ! You know this girl ? Does anyone know her ? It’s a shame people believe what they hear not knowing the facts
Me (9/16 4:12pm): What are the facts?
Brian (9/16 4:18pm): My story ??? There is no story I went into a bar ordered a drink I was a bout to make a joke and stopped in the middle ” the girls says what can I get you – the joke if told 1000 times is how about you to go with nothing on it ” laughing kidding in the most joking manner not insulting nothing even remotely close the fact is I didn’t even finish the joke .. And I certainly never laid a finger let alone a hand on this girl she is simply fabricating a story to gain attention and get another Jon if I did anything inappropriate why didn’t she say anything to me I signed my check with my friend and left there is not one part of her story which is factual I never said anything derogatory and sexually harassing in any shape or manner never nog in anyway it’s a complete lie and I have a friend who was with me who witness everything and nothing because nothing but two drinks were serves we were not even drunk I remember EVERY think that occurred which as normal stop in a bar for a drink paid and left where this came from is shocking to me and my friend in fact my cc is missing since I left there and I believe she stole it and probably got does not quit . The girl is a psyco that’s the facts I’ve never had anything like this happen to me before so that’s a sick story to post especially when no one knows the facts except myself and my friend
Me (9/16 4:20pm): I’m waiting for statements from you and the restaurant you interacted with her at before publishing my piece. Obviously I want to get the facts straight. That’s why I reached out.
Brian (9/16 4:23pm): If anything happened why didn’t someone say anything to me not the girl not the Resteraunt no one I got a call from someone about this is all a complete shock to me . The fact is nothing what so ever happened if I was in any way rude I would have appologized I wasn’t I’m not that type of person I’m a married man 2 children this is like a nightmare what have I done but have a drink pay and leave What’s could possibly have happened why didn’t anyone in the Resteraunt say anything why suddenly 2 days later all this garbage written its 1000% untrue that’s the faxts
Me (9/16 4:26pm): If you want to prepare a statement, I’ll include it in the story. Thank you.
Brian (9/19 12:01 am): My statement is simple . This fabricates story is a clearly premeditated plan to leave a job and attempt to get sympathy from the public by slander and defamation of my character . The girl is clearly intelligent and calculated how is it possible is I sexually harnessed her she didn’t say anything to me or her manager ? Why ? Because it NEVER happened except in her mind . I never touched her or made any advance in any inappropriate sexual manner and this girl will be deal with my attorneys and paying for her lies this I can garantee . I’ve never heard of anything like this in my life ! It’s just a shock to me and I’m honestly speechless how she can create such a story maybe it was the tip …
Brian: (9/17 12:31 am) One more thing to take into consideration about what has been written Look how much time she spent taking about herself rather then the supposed sexual Harassment she is self promoting herself rather then making such a huge deal about the fabricated story and why she quit her job . If anything like that ever happened in a bar or public place the manager would have known imm and came to the table to say some thing or she would have said something she was super nice when she handed me the bill and never insinuated any sort or inappropriate actions on my part so when did it all occur after I left ? I guess on her mind ! That’s all I can say this girl is self promoting and getting to gain sympathy to get another job or try to defame and slander me to Gain attention for herself
Me (9/17 8:28am) : Got it. I’ll be gathering facts all day and posting tonight. Why only a $2 (13.12%) tip on $15.24?
Brian (9/17 3:32pm): I didn’t pay attention I was in rush that simple . I thought I wrote 3 and now find out 2
After reaching out to Laura via Facebook DM, we exchanged emails:
Me: (9/16 4:49 pm): Hey Laura. I write a blog advocating for people in the service industry. I’m working on a blog post about the alleged incident with Brian Lederman. I have a few questions.
#1- Would the MOD working when Brian came in be willing to substantiate your story and answer some questions?
#2- Did you tell the manager that Brian put his hand on your ass?
#3- What action did the manager take? Did they confront Brian?
#4- What do you say to the people who are speculating that this is a ruse? (Your “commercial” at the end of your facebook post has raised more than a few eyebrows.)
Laura (9/16 9:48pm): I have answered your questions so as to clear up confusion. I am hoping the noise my post has created will die down soon, as things seem to have gotten out of hand, and attacks are being made that I have strongly advocated against. I hope that in reaching out to me you like wise seek to promote awareness and education, rather than malice and accusation.
[Laura’s answers to #’s 1-4 above.]
#1- He was not a witness to the incident, and therefore would only be able to provide further conjecture.
#2- Yes, almost immediately after the incident, the customer asked for the check. I told my manager what happened as soon as the customer left and he took down a description of the man and his name.
#3- After conferring with the general manager, the decision was made not to allow this customer back into the establishment. He was not contacted or approached by my managers, and I never requested they do so. The organization has been very supportive of me as an employee.
#4- I posted the story to spread awareness, and to inspire friends to treat each other and their servers with kindness and consideration. The post script was a genuine call for help and advice from friends, who face similar challenges pursuing careers in the arts while making ends meet. By no means was it meant as a “commercial”. I can’t imagine that any significant career opportunities would arise out of this incident. Only support and input from friends and colleagues, which I’ve been grateful to receive.
I also sent Laura a facebook DM on 9/16 at 4:50pm stating that Brian denied touching her. In a separate email sent by Laura on 9/16 at 10:07pm, Laura responded:
Oh and to address your follow up facebook message – he did touch me. It wasn’t a “grab” or a violent act the way certain repostings or stranger shares have implied. It was subtle but clear contact. To me it felt like three fingers gently resting on my left buttcheek. I hope you understand how horribly ridiculous and uncomfortable it is to talk about the details of this, but in the interest of clarity I hope my candor is helpful. I know that he has denied the event to other publications, and to my managers, but I stand by what happened, as do my employers.
If the quotes in today’s NY Post are accurate, Brian Lederman did nothing to endear himself to anyone defending him.
Excerpts from The NY Post:
“I’ve grabbed plenty of girls’ asses in my life,” Brian H. Lederman boasted to The Post. “But I’ve never grabbed hers.”
The married moneyman went on the defensive Tuesday after server Laura Ramadei made a tell-all Facebook post saying he ogled her like a piece of meat as he fondled her derriere at Lucky Strike on Grand Street.
Lederman, a 57-year-old managing director at Swiss Performance Management & Fiduciary, angrily denied any physical contact — and threatened to sue Ramadei for defamation.
“I clearly remember making a joke when the girl said, ‘What would you like,’ ” he said. “I kiddingly said, ‘I would like you to go with nothing on it.’ ”
He said he was furious that she claimed he did more than spew sleaze.
“That f–king c–t, for her to do something like that is pretty ridiculous,” he told The Post.
He then threatened to make sure she doesn’t serve lunch in this town again.
“I will make sure she doesn’t get another job in New York City. I know everybody,” he raged. “The bar owners, the club owners — that’s a terrible thing to write about somebody.”
Ah, another rendition of the old, “Do you know who I am?” rears its ugly head. Because of his reaction alone, a few hundred thousand more people know him…
If a 57-year-old guy doesn’t know that it’s not funny to make a sexist comment to a stranger, there’s a good chance he’ll never learn. The old, “I was just kidding” excuse just doesn’t fly, especially in a case like this. It’s bad enough when servers hear the same ‘jokes’ thousands of times (“Hated it” from a customer pointing to a licked-clean plate), but personal, sexist, abusive “kidding” is unacceptable, cover-your-ass backpedaling.
Despite the hint of opportunism, I’m siding with Laura.
3 Responses to “Boorish Banker or Suspect Server?”
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Permalink | Posted in Customer Hall of Shame | 3 Comments »
Full text of Laura’s Facebook post:
An open thank you note to the stranger who put his hand on my ass and asked if he could take me “to go”:
Dear Brian,
You came into the restaurant where I work and ordered a Stoli on the rocks. When I asked you and your companion if you’d be eating, or needing anything else from me, you put your hand – ever so gently – ON MY ASS and asked if you could take me “to go”. When I immediately stepped away and said “Sorry, what?” you probably gathered that I was and am not receptive of such advances from customers. We were in a family-friendly restaurant, around 6:30pm, and I was wearing a loose-fitting, long sleeve shirt, jeans, and no makeup…so I’m not sure where the confusion arose as to what kind of service you were being provided. You left soon after, leaving a signed credit card slip and a two dollar tip (see picture included!). Your name is Brian Lederman. I found you, instantly, via a quick Google search online. I looked at your face on Linked In, the World’s Largest Professional Network. You work at Swiss Performance Management and Truehand AG, in Investment Management. Of course you do.
I work as a bartender, and have for more than five years now. I graduated NYU with honors, and have at some point held down every conceivable part time type job including but not limited to food service, administration, and even temp work at firms such as yours. So far, bartending allows me the most flexibility to pursue my artistic career, while comfortably covering my basic living expenses, including my outrageously high student loan payments. I have a good job that I’m grateful for. The environment is low key, I have incredibly supportive coworkers and managers, and – in general – the clientele is nice.
But I still hate being a bartender. Over the years my knowledge and skill set have expanded, but I seem to be getting worse at tolerating the “service” part. I deal with incredible amounts of entitlement, condescension, and drunk nonsense. And at a bar, it is impossible to ignore the fact that misogyny is alive and well. I can’t tell you how many times people have treated me horribly and I’ve memorized or photographed the names from their credit cards, fantasizing about internet revenge. But every time I’ve been tempted in the past (even after verbal attacks, physical affronts, or sexual harassment) I’ve stopped myself and let it go.
So congratulations, Brian! You’ve done it! You broke this tired ass camel’s back. And though this is obviously a public shaming, I truly don’t mean this as an attack. Maybe – just maybe – via the intimately connected internet world, my post will reach you, and you’ll learn something about how hurtful and upsetting a small comment or gesture might be. Or at the very least, maybe a Facebook passerby will read this and more deeply consider how they treat women, how they treat servers, and/or how they treat other people in general. And thank you. Without your inspiration I wouldn’t be quitting my job today, and endeavoring a better chapter of my life.
Love,
Laura
p.s. Everyone else – please be kind to your server. If your drink took a while, it might just be because your bartender was rage crying about misogyny in the bathroom. Also because if you’re not nice to her, she just might memorize the name from your credit card, find you online, hunt you down, and pee in your bed while you’re sleeping.
p.p.s. I’m looking for work to sustain me until all of my acting dreams come true! Something that requires only 30ish flexible hours a week and that covers NYC rent and NYU student loan payments. Open to all ideas and input.
p.p.p.s. Thanks for reading.
Patrick: here we have the tension which results from the interaction between two persons who’re unique to NYC: an entitled financial executive; and a fussy, loquacious Bartender who’s “but I’m really an actress.”
The latter is the first to complain about everything because this type of server thinks her job is just a way to pay the bills, and a stepping-stone to something perhaps more lucrative or rewarding.
For restaurant and bar professionals, their job is everything, it’s rewarding and they’re passionate about it. They refer to their colleagues as “family.” And they endure the occasional objectionable behavior from persons they’re serving who can’t act like ladies and gentlemen when they drink, in exchange for a job which earns them more money than their customers earn, in some cases.
I felt bad for her but she lost all credibility with her Facebook post (the “I, me, mine” is so very apparent – esp. when she lays down several very specific requirements for employment in her Facebook post’s p.p.s.). Frankly, if she sounds anything like this when she’s working, I, for one, would not find her attractive in the least. Some men, however, are willing to overlook the content of a woman’s character when they find her “look” sexually appealing.
The accused probably did touch her, or at least say something inappropriate to her. And he was a shit for the small tip (I always say “if you wanna play, you gotta pay.” But the sad reality is that our industry is not as progressive as people would like, because dinosaurs like the accused, Mr. Lederman, have the disposable income to go out and have fun, as perverse and inappropriate that fun may turn out to be.
Where did Ms. Ramadei grow up? In Disneyland? And shame on the restaurant and manager who hired her. She’s not tough enough to make it in the Big Apple. This concept, I’m sure, will not be popular with you, Patrick, nor many of your readers.
In fact, in *my* perfect world, of course, the interaction with Mr. Lederman would’ve been considered by his peers, the bartender and management to be hugely inappropriate. But the reality, now, is that NYC is full of people like Mr. Lederman and full of servers, bartenders and other service industry workers who’d not only be glad to serve him, but glad to deal with his antics.
Why not call this a mile-marker in the road to progressive bars and restaurants where servers’ boundaries are respected and customers act like adults. There *are* places which exist like this, that would eject Mr. Lederman in a heart-beat for even his verbal offense alone, without the alleged touching. But such places are few and far between because of the over-used, hackneyed mantra that the customer is always right. (“The customer pays our bills” is more like it — so “let’s prostitute ourselves” is the short version.)
Neither party is in the right. Lederman’s gonna retire to Florida or an island and continue his behavior. And the young actress — oops, I meant waitress — is looking forward to disappointment after disappointment because she’s lacking common sense.
Thank you for the measured, thoughtful, wise response, Big Louie. The “I graduated NYU with honors” comment and the mini commercial from Laura didn’t sit well with me at all. However, I do appreciate Laura’s candor and perspective about where she’s at with the industry and the public. For many, the job is a temporary investment and a means to the next chapter. Obviously I respect those who choose to endure and thrive in the restaurant industry, but I can also relate to burning out and moving on. Being in the fray every day can truly suck, and not everyone thrives on it.
As far as removing abusive customers, I’m with you 100%. Every situation is a judgement call. Sometimes it requires sucking it up and having a thick skin because “the territory” we operate in calls for that. Other times, when the line is crossed, a firm stance (and immediate action) is required. Too many servers, managers and owners are clueless about drawing boundaries and taking appropriate action because they don’t have the experience or training to handle difficult situations. And many owners and managers aren’t savvy enough to realize how critical training and role-playing is to prepare for incidents like the one in question, or even worse and dangerous scenarios.