Server Not Servant

“Compassion, Empathy and Human Dignity”

By: Patrick Maguire

Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service

Posted: 10/4/2010

The heart and soul of Server Not Servant are found in the chapter, Human-to-Human Service and Civility. Here is an excerpt from my forthcoming book:

As I immersed myself in this book, I soon realized that beyond the customer-server relationship, my mission is really to promote civility, common courtesy and compassion in all walks of life. That explains the sub-title, A Case for Human-to-Human Service and Civility, which is about co-existing, communicating with and responding to fellow human beings. We have an obligation and responsibility to be responsive to each other, and take care of each other every day, as we do during and after extraordinary circumstances that put life in perspective. 

One of those extraordinary, and deeply troubling tragedies was the recent suicide of Rutgers University student, Tyler Clementi. According to RU’s Daily Targum, Clementi jumped off the George Washington Bridge after learning that his roommate and a friend allegedly recorded and posted an intimate encounter between the freshman Clementi and another male.

USA Today reported that Tyler Clementi’s family issued the following statement through their attorney:

We are grateful that our son’s body has now been recovered. Funeral services will be private. Needless to say, public attention has been intense. We ask that our request for privacy in this painful time continue to be respected.

The outpouring of emotion and support from our friends, community and family — and from people across the country — has been humbling and deeply moving. We thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts.

We appreciate the continuing diligent efforts of people in law enforcement. We sincerely thank them and members of the media for respecting our privacy.

We understand that our family’s personal tragedy presents important legal issues for the country as well as for us. Regardless of legal outcomes, our hope is that our family’s personal tragedy will serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity.

It is absolutely horrific to invade a fellow student’s privacy in such a cruel manner, and much worse, to broadcast it on the Internet. It is truly unconscionable, and yet we know that cyberbullying threatens human civility and dignity on campuses, in workplaces and even in middle schools.

In Sunday’s New York Times, John Schwartz writes, Teenagers “think that because they can do it, that makes it right,” said Nancy E. Willard, a lawyer and founder of the Center for Safe and Responsible Internet Use. Impulsiveness, immaturity and immense publishing power can be a dangerous mix, she said.

I would add blatant stupidity and ignorance to the deadly equation.

We still have a long way to go when it comes to inclusion, empathy for and acceptance of anyone who is “different” than we are. “I have friends who are gay” doesn’t mean we know what it’s like to be gay, or to be keeping a secret from your family and everyone you know. We all harbor insecurities, vulnerabilities and differences, some more subtle than others. Beyond tolerance, we should be modeling and teaching inclusion.

This moving video by Ellen Degeneres has been widely circulated. Please take a moment to watch it if you haven’t seen it.

The following message accompanied Ellen’s post on facebook:

I just can’t be silent about this. I hope you won’t either.

I won’t be silent about this heartless breech of trust and Human-to-Human Civility, and I hope everyone who reads this blog won’t either.

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Bring Your Own? Please Don’t.

By: Patrick Maguire

Book Chapter: Manners / Gratitude

Posted: 9/27/2010

Back in March, I posted 64 Suggestions for Bar Customers. Number 36 declares, Bringing in beverages from outside of the restaurant is a no-no. My long-standing conviction about this practice led to a spirited discussion on Yelp Talk (Boston) recently when I posted the following:

I’ll never understand how adults can walk into brunch at an upscale, sit-down, full service restaurant with large Starbucks cups with no shame. They didn’t try to hide them, didn’t apologize, didn’t ask for a barrel to dispose of them, and never asked their server if it was ok if they finished their drinks. They put them on their table in plain view and finished them during brunch. In case anyone is wondering, these people were 35-50 years old, not hungover college kids.

For those of you unfamiliar with Yelp Talk, the topics and commentary range from hilarious to high-brow, and everything in-between. If you sift through the banality, insanity and white noise, you can learn a lot.

Here is a sampling of the Yelp responses to my post:

Josh W. – Why would someone be ashamed of that?

Shane K. – yeah, what exactly is the big deal if they ate and paid for their food?

Therein lies part of the problem….

Mary M. – Maybe they just stopped to get a coffee on their way to brunch – a lot of coffee-drinkers don’t like to wait until 11 or noon or whenever brunch starts to have their first cup of the day. They weren’t finished, so they brought it along and will probably order (and drink) more at brunch. Anyway, do most brunches charge separately for coffee?

Jason B. – most restaurants, unless they have some kind of genius management, have coffee that is absolute shit. Most large-scale coffee machines are made out of metal and plastic that rarely, if ever, gets properly cleaned… Also, most places buy their coffee in bulk, which does absolutely no good for freshness. Result: restaurant coffee, by and large, is disgusting…Bottom line: if restaurant coffee didn’t suck so hard, I would come down on the side of “don’t bring outside coffee into a restaurant”, but it does, so I can’t really complain. I’m a coffee snob.

Michael N. – The point is that the restaurant probably also sells coffee. So by bringing in your own you are depriving them of a sale. It’s equivalent to sneaking in your own popcorn to a movie theater. Except that you’re kinda rubbing it in the restaurant’s face.

Laura D. – …bringing in a beverage does not automatically deprive the restaurant of business. Possibly alienating a group of diners by making them throw away their drinks would lose far more business.

Sarah D. – I don’t bring outside food/drink into restaurants, I feel weird about it.

Geoff M. – I’m really, really surprised that people think this is OK…It’s just not appropriate to bring your own.

MC slim JB, (One of Boston’s most knowledgeable restaurant critics and food/drinks writers)- The argument against allowing outside drinks from a business perspective is that you establish a precedent, effectively encouraging other customers to bring coffee in from a competitor. I don’t see that as a good business strategy, myself. I certainly see people that do it without asking as rude and disrespectful to the business. Not wanting to serve rude and disrespectful people is reason enough not to want to allow it.

The comment about it being disrespectful to the business cuts to the core of my message. While every situation is unique and should be judged on its own merits, it’s insulting to the restaurant when people bring drinks in from a competitor and don’t, at a minimum, ask for permission.

Coren D., linked the Yelp discussion to a similar post by Frank Bruni, The New York Times’ former chief restaurant critic and author of his best-selling memoir, Born Round. Bruni relates the story of a friend who entered an establishment with a Starbucks coffee and the hostess who told him to throw it away. His friend challenged the hostess, but she stood her ground. Bruni dismissed his friend’s indignation stating, “While coffee-purchased-elsewhere wasn’t going to make a huge economic impact on the place’s business in that particular situation, on that particular morning, it strikes me as a measure of disrespect. As bad form.”

Readers also commented on Bruni’s piece:

BrieCS – … I think that unless a sign is posted (no outside foods or beverages), they should not claim you cannot have it with you or have to throw it away.

Signs like that, especially in an upscale joint, are tacky. Do we really need such explicitness? On second thought, maybe we do…

Annabelle – Starbucks coffee is in a container that says “Starbucks” – bad advertising for any other coffee shop. To save his coffee, (Bruni’s friend) should have asked for a cup and poured his leftovers into that. Maybe the coffee shop could even hand out mugs to everyone waiting for a seat-that would be good relations and calm the situation.

Annabelle gets it and realizes that you can make your point, maintain good business practice and keep your customers. These situations require finesse, flexibility and empathy from all involved.

Katharine – I think it depends on the formality of the restaurant. At McDonald’s, almost anything goes. At a white tablecloth restaurant, I’d be appalled to see someone bring in Starbucks.

Renee – I am definitely guilty of carrying a Starbucks into a diner here and there, BUT only if they serve flavored coffees. I have a severe tree nut allergy and can not drink coffee that has been ground in the same grinder or brewed in the same pot as a “nut” flavored coffee (almond, hazelnut etc…). Most have understood and allow me my caffeine from another source! In return, I must say, I have been extremely loyal to those that are gracious and understanding.

Adam W. – Unless the diner is gonna offer a decent product, they better be ready for me to bring in something more to my tastes.

Adam sounds like a real charmer…

Rose – The hostess was only trying to do her job. Think how you would feel if someone came into your office or your store (or place of employment) and tried to change the procedures that YOUR boss wants you to follow…Put yourself in someone else’s shoes for once and quit being selfish…

Amen, Rose.

No one wants to be told that they are bad customers or rude people. Some people go to great lengths to defend and/or rationalize their boorish behavior as a means of self-preservation or just plain ignorance. After all, some people just don’t know what they don’t know.

MC Slim JB: This issue strikes me as part of the whole culture of unmerited self-entitlement, folks doing something that clearly isn’t appropriate and either being oblivious to the fact or finding ways to justify being rude anyway…The question I consider in these situations is: do these people have any sense at all that what they’re doing might be rude, and have they decided to be rude anyway, or are they really clueless about it? I’m not sure which is worse…

Where do you stand on this issue?

Permalink | Posted in Manners / Gratitude | 70 Comments »

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“I’ve Got Your Back.” Really?

By: Patrick Maguire

Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service

Posted: 9/14/2010

Business owners and managers talk a big game when it comes to supporting their employees, but unfortunately, many of them cower during moments of truth when customers are dead wrong. Smart leaders treasure great employees because they are much more valuable than horrific customers.

Workers who have left their jobs consistently tell me their departures stemmed from superiors who failed to support them in the face of encounters with out-of-control customers. Neither money nor lack of advancement led them to quit. They departed environments plagued by low morale, distrust, and weak management.

In addition to being poor leaders, a lot of owners and managers operate without a crisis management plan, leaving them unprepared when unruly customers act out. Many of them simply don’t know how to respond to inappropriate customers. Competent leaders, however, consistently train, rehearse, and role-play scenarios to ensure their readiness for circumstances requiring courage, confidence and decisive action.

Retaining top employees requires strong leadership. When weak leadership persists, quality employees seek greener pastures. When you (owners/manangers) enable and cater to abusive customers at the expense of staff, here is what you lose:

1. Credibility with your employees and other customers: Abusive, sexist, racist, condescending, entitled, horrible customers demoralize your staff and alienate your valued customers when you tolerate, or worse, encourage them. The ‘collateral damage’ can devastate a business.

2. Respect and Trust: Employees and customers alike recognize an employer’s true character by their consistent actions, not their rhetoric. “It’s all good” doesn’t get the job done when push comes to shove (sometimes literally). Leaders who over promise then under deliver at crunch time undermine themselves in the long run.

3. Employee Ambassadors: Great employees attract like-minded, high-quality employees and loyal customers. Businesses with high employee retention rates cultivate loyal, repeat customers. Think about the businesses you patronize regularly; you count on seeing those helpful, familiar, friendly faces every time you visit. Conversely, disgruntled former employees can be your worst PR nightmare.

4. Time: Replacing great employees requires advertising, recruiting, interviewing, hiring and extensive training. New employees often don’t come as advertised, and many don’t fit in or last long. When stellar employees quit, managers get bogged down filling in for them and attending to damage control within the organization and with their customers.

5. Money: Great employees are one of a company’s most valuable assets. Simply put, it’s bad business to lose a great employee over a really lousy customer.

Here are a few contributions on this topic from readers:

RM, Plymouth, MA: Having worked as an outside sales representative for more than eleven years, I had some customers who were fantastic and some who were complete assholes. But I also think that employers are a big part of the problem. They often expect sales reps to treat impossible customers  like royalty, no matter what. It is an archaic way of thinking that eventually wears on an employee’s self-esteem and self-respect…

BG, Boston, MA: One thing you mentioned in the Boston Globe interview that really jumped out at me was the part about managers backing up their staff. What’s happened to good managers? In the last few years I’ve met more men and women afraid to do their jobs than I can ever remember. I know management isn’t easy because I’ve done it, but I’ve also had the guts to stand up to customers that have mistreated my employees.

MC, NYC: If our customers were disrespectful to any of our customer service people, we did precisely what you recommend (fire the customer). We would ask to hear the customer’s side of the story, and ask them also to think more carefully about the feelings of our service people, and to remember how hard they worked to perform for them. Anyone can have a bad day, so we would tolerate one transgression. Our employees felt we supported them even if we forgave the customer, as long as we took notice. If the offensive behavior persisted, we would fire the customer. It happened only 3 or 4 times in my career, and at times it came as a considerable sacrifice to our revenue, but we earned that back many times over in the form of increased loyalty from our customer service staff.

Business owners/managers: Where do you stand on this issue? Do you support your employees when they encounter abusive, disingenuous customers? Do you tend to placate the customer even if it risks damage to the relationship with a valued employee?

Workers: Does your current boss have your back or are they all talk? Have you ever quit a job because your boss had no spine? What was the last straw?

I spoke with a server over the weekend who had a customer in a high-end Boston restaurant pick up his steak with a fork and plop it down on her bare hand as she reached for his plate. The customer had just informed the server that his steak was over cooked. The server refused to return to the table of 13 guests, and the manager on duty did nothing except reassign the table.

Please join the conversation. Thank you.

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Thank You

By: Patrick Maguire

Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service

Posted: 9/3/2010

Hello to everyone I met in Roslindale, MA last week, especially all of the folks at Boston Cheese Cellar, Geoffrey’s Cafe and Sophia’s Grotto for your great service and genuine hospitality. I really appreciate your support for ServerNotServant, and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Also, I want to remind readers that I am continuing to explore all of Boston’s 23 neighborhoods on foot, and to post pictures from every corner of the city on the website.

Please continue to email me your recommendations for specific places and businesses you would like to see featured on the site from neighborhoods around the city. I will respond to every email I receive.

ServerNotServant is not limited to Boston or to the restaurant industry. The desire for mutual respect and civility resonates with service industry workers around the world. That may explain why people from 129 different countries and territories have visited this community. The blog is currently being translated into Russian for barbook.ru, the largest on-line community of bartenders, waiters, baristas and DJs in Russia according to Nadezhda Bakhromkina, barbook’s chief editor.

The facebook group created to support this blog and book project currently has more than 2,140 members. Please join us on facebook, and remember that FB members are welcome to post on the wall and upload photos of workers from all walks of life. I am committed to posting photos and featuring stories representing service industry workers from around the world.

Lastly, I am proud to announce that ServerNotServant won best Boston Blog in Boston Magazine’s Readers’ Choice Awards sponsored by JetBlue.

Thanks to all of you who helped us achieve this honor. In October, Boston Magazine will feature all of the winners in a special section. Congratulations to all of the other winners. Again, thanks to all readers who voted. I am grateful.

 Have a great Labor Day weekend.

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Umbrella Rules

By: Patrick Maguire

Book Chapter: Personal Pet Peeves

Posted: 8/24/2010

I’m sorry for the delay between posts. I’m spending most of my time finalizing a proposal for a prospective publisher. Today’s post is just a spontaneous, rainy day rant.

We’ve had tremendous weather this summer in the Northeast, so we really can’t complain about a couple of days of rain. As always, on my way to and from the gym this afternoon, I engaged in one of my favorite pastimes, watching humans. Today’s observation, and personal pet peeve, people walking on Boston’s narrow city sidewalks with HUGE umbrellas. One woman had a two-tiered monstrosity that could easily keep a family of 5 dry during a monsoon. It was so big and out of place that it was funny. It looked like she stole it off of a table from a restaurant patio.

Another woman had an over-sized, promotional umbrella with Bacardi emblazoned on the top. She was charging down the sidewalk with the umbrella leading the way. I have to admit, unlike many days, people were pretty good today about being aware of each other, tilting and lifting or lowering their umbrellas when passing a fellow pedestrian.

I thought it would be fun to open up the discussion to umbrella war stories, and your suggestions for Umbrella Rules for the general public.

I’ll start:

#1- If you’re on a crowded city sidewalk with an umbrella intended for a golf course, picnic table or the beach, be aware of other humans and make room for them. Invite your unprotected brothers and sisters to join you for shelter. There’s plenty of room.

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