Server Not Servant

Archive for March, 2010

64 Suggestions for Bar Customers

Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service

Posted: 03/30/2010

Sharing public space is something a lot of humans don’t do well. When you throw alcohol into the mix, a lot of people really suck at it.

 A few caveats and disclosures:

• The list is geared towards bars in restaurants, rather than dive bars, nightclubs, sports bars or beach bars where jungle rules apply.
• I minimized the overlap between this list and my list of 64 Suggestions for Restaurant Customers.
• I omitted some of the obvious items that endlessly appear on every other list about bar etiquette.
• Some obvious items made the cut because they need to be reinforced. (Will people ever get it that yammering on cell phones is obnoxious?)
• There are 2 sides to every story and exceptions to every rule.
• My blog and book do not defend “whining waiters” as one anonymous reader commented. I am advocating for workers who do a great job and understand all facets of customer service and hospitality.
•  Please don’t comment that all of these suggestions could be summed up with the golden rule or other platitudes. We know that. We love lists.

 Sources and Credits:

• Personal experience from 33+ years of drinking and dining at the bar.
• Bartending experience (dives to fine dining) scattered over 10 years from 1982-1992.
• Conversations with thousands of bartenders, servers, restaurant industry workers and customers.
• Questionnaire responses from 200 former and current customer service industry workers.
• Hundreds of comments and emails from readers of this blog and the facebook group supporting it.
• Thank you to everyone who contributed.

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1. Research the bar/restaurant before you go. Consult with several online resources to determine whether or not a place is a good fit. You’ll improve your experience by knowing what to expect and what questions to ask when you go. (Email me if you need Boston recommendations.)
2. If all of the barstools are occupied, ask the bartender or host if there’s a waitlist for bar seats. You’ll avoid jockeying for position and the mad scrum when a seat opens up. Don’t argue with a bartender who tells you that the barstools you’re trying to claim are for someone who has been waiting longer than you. Don’t tell a bartender that the person who vacated a stool promised it to you.
3. Never move barstools without asking. Barstool positions are often numbered for the bar staff and food runners.
4. Acknowledge and greet the bartender, or reciprocate her welcome with a simple greeting. Don’t ignore a welcome or blurt what you need in response to a bartender’s greeting. (This is still an epidemic, and it’s rude.)
5. Let the bartender know if you’re saving seats for friends who will be joining you for dinner.  Find out what the house rules are. The bartender will often put out placemats and water to save seats if your friends won’t be long. Don’t hoard seats in a busy bar knowing your friends will be a while.
6. Look at the taps and bottled beers lined up behind the bar or ask for a list before asking, What kind of beer do you have? Don’t expect a bartender to recite 30 beers on draft and 40 in a bottle, especially in a crowded bar.
7. Don’t ask a bartender you don’t know, What should I get?, or What’s good? If you’re looking for direction, communicate your preferences and be specific with your questions.
8. Never say, Can I have a Bud, Bud?,  I don’t need sugar, I’m sweet enough, Tell me a joke, or any of the other hokey, clichéd lines that bartenders have heard more than they care to remember.  Seriously, where do these people come from???
9. Introduce yourself and learn your bartender’s name. Discretely using a bartender’s name  makes the interaction more respectful and human. But, never shout the bartender’s name down the bar to get his attention.
10. Seek your bartender’s opinion and guidance regarding the menu, wine and cocktails. Professional servers are proud to share their knowledge with you and show you a great time. Be open to their input.
11. If you’re standing behind someone sitting on a barstool, don’t hang your coat, bag or anything on the stool without asking.
12. If you’re standing in the bar area, be aware that the folks seated at the bar need space too, particularly if they are eating.  It’s annoying for a seated customer to get bumped repeatedly by people standing behind or around them.
13. When walking through a crowded bar, don’t push your way through. You’re not playing rugby. Say Excuse me or Pardon me before you proceed. In a noisy bar, a light touch on the shoulder, along with Excuse me, or Can I sneak by, please?, works better than pushing. Conversely, if someone is trying to get by you, accommodate them. There’s no need for a curt, snarky, Sorry in response to a polite, Excuse me when someone is trying to get by.
14. If you leave your stuff on the barstool next to you, don’t make noises and get upset about requests to move your belongings when the bar starts to fill up.
15. If you enter a relatively empty bar, don’t sit right next to customers who might be enjoying some privacy. At least leave a few stools between you. (I’ll never understand why people crowd each other. Whether it’s the gym locker room, a sidewalk, public transportation or a bar, give each other some personal space.)
16. If you’re sitting at a bar with an open stool on either side of you, and someone asks you to move down so they can sit together, do it without sighing or making a big deal of it. Even if you’re in the middle of dinner, it only takes a moment to slide one stool. Better yet, offer before the guest or bartender asks you to. It will put everyone at ease. And, no, neither the party you accommodated nor the bartender owes you a drink because you cooperated. You might get one, but don’t expect it or ask for one.
17. Keep in mind that you have almost as much to do with the success of the interaction as the bartender does. Treat all members of the staff and other customers with civility, respect, and common courtesy. Great service is a participatory sport.
18. Bars are communal tables. Don’t freak out if someone tells you your dinner looks good, asks what you’ve ordered, or attempts to make polite conversation. Some things go with the territory when you’re at the bar.
19. Take a hint if people don’t want to talk with you or if they are involved in a private conversation. If your repeated advances are met with, I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen my friend in 2 years and we would really appreciate it if you would respect our privacy, that means they don’t want to talk to you. It doesn’t mean be persistent. Move on.
20. When you’re standing and trying to order drinks at a packed bar, politely alert the seated guests so they can accommodate you. Hopefully they’ll yield some space, (passing drinks and money if necessary), but never push in between two seated customers and start passing drinks over and around the heads of other guests. It’s obnoxious. If you are the seated guest and someone is trying order drinks from behind you, help a brother or sister out. Don’t ignore them.
21. Standing customers should not reach between seated guests and place empty glasses on the bar on the bar next to them. If you’re placing an empty glass and trash on the bar, excuse yourself, and be sure to push it all the way forward away from guests and within easy reaching distance of the bartender. It’s not the responsibility of folks seated at the bar to handle your garbage. Most people will help you, but it’s rude to push through, drop your glass or beer bottle near a guest’s elbow and run.
22. If you’re going to be ordering multiple rounds in a crowded bar, tip generously on the first round. The bartender won’t forget you the next time you’re ready to order.
23. Don’t be rude when you’re trying to get the bartender’s attention. Eye contact, a raised finger, pushing your empty glass closer to the bartender, holding up a bill while standing, Excuse me, Pardon me, and, When you have a moment please, all work well. The following are off-limits; Yelling barkeep, barmaid, cheesy nicknames (Captain, Kid, Tiger, Chief, Big guy, Champ, Sport, etc.), Hey, Gimmee, Get me, followed by anything; rattling your empty glass on the bar or snapping your fingers.  Flagging is for cabs and whistling is for dogs. Simple rules even cavemen should know…
24. Don’t order an obscure drink that you had during Spring Break, on a cruise, in a foreign country, or on a tropical island several years ago and then ask, What kind of bartender are you?, when the bartender doesn’t know what’s in the drink. She’s probably the kind of bartender who doesn’t like you…
25. Respect the fact that restaurants and bars can’t accommodate every single request about room temperature, music, inventory of beers and liquor, special food orders, etc. (I witnessed a customer complaining to a manager about the cold air whenever guests went out an “emergency only” exit that had a sign on it asking guests to use the main door. After bitching her entire meal, she proceeded to use the same emergency exit when she left…)
26. Remember where you are, and don’t put the bartender or other customers in an awkward position by making unrealistic demands. For example, a Bostonian staying in a New York hotel cannot expect the bartender in the hotel bar to show a regular-season Celtics or Bruins game  during a Yankees World Series. I’m staying in the hotel doesn’t carry more weight than the majority of fans who want to watch the World Series.
27. Never ask the dreaded, insulting questions, Is this your real job? or, What else do you do? Believe me, the job is real.
28. Don’t stare at other customers. I was a regular at a bar where the staff dubbed a frequent customer, “The Listener” because she would stare and lean in to eavesdrop on conversations. (Bartenders, please comment on some of the great nicknames you have for guests.)
29. Be discreet when you are talking about other bar customers. It’s rude to repeatedly look at someone, then look back at your dining companion and whisper.
30. When it’s your turn, be ready to order and pay, especially in a busy bar.
31. Excuse me, Please and Thank you. It’s not that hard.
32.  Don’t block the service station where waiters and waitresses pick up their drinks. If a bartender encourages you to come to the service station to pick up a drink,  make way for servers trying to do their job.
33. Don’t chomp on gum, snap your gum, or blow bubbles at the bar. Chewing gum is tacky and trashy.
34. Don’t chew on toothpicks or long stir sticks or straws, letting the end dangle out of your mouth in circles. It’s gross. (I saw this at the bar in one of Boston’s best steak houses.)
35. Don’t twirl your hair, pick your teeth, ears, face, skin or any other part of your body. Don’t be hygienically inappropriate, period.
36. Bringing in beverages from outside of the restaurant is a no-no.  
37. Don’t lean over and read another customer’s book, magazine or paper while they’re reading at the bar. It’s creepy.
38. Respect local traditions, zoning & licensing laws, and house rules. Bartenders don’t make all of the laws and rules that they have to follow. Just because you allow your underage child to drink in your home, doesn’t mean a bartender will look the other way. The guy on the stool next to you might be a spotter or work for the liquor commission.
39. Don’t bore your bartender with your life’s story and monopolize his time when he’s busy. Cut to the chase.
40. Don’t be that loud guy. Yelling and slamming the bar like a hockey player pounding the boards after a goal, is juvenile. The rest of the bar is not amused.
41. Don’t be that annoying woman with the shrill, high-pitched, piercing laugh. Everyone wants you to have fun, but you’re making enemies all around you.
42. Don’t reach over the bar without permission. (Yes, there are people who still think it’s ok to eat olives out of the garnish trays.)
43. If you’re temporarily leaving your stool for any reason, let the bartender and/or your neighbor know. Put a coaster or bar napkin over the top of your drink to save your seat. If you know your neighbor is returning, alert customers who try to take their barstool. You’d want them to save yours.
44. Stay within your space in your barstool. Be aware and respectful of your neighbor’s space and others around you. That includes backpacks, bags and coats hanging off your stool, as well as elbows and hair tossing.
45. Don’t ask, Why don’t we get one?, loud enough for everyone to hear when a bartender announces something is on-the-house  to someone sitting next to you. There’s a reason why they’re getting a complimentary treat and it’s none of your business.
46. If you want the benefits of being a regular in a restaurant or bar, earn them. (This will be covered in future posts and in my book.)
47. If you have a nice rapport with the bartender and are pleased with the service, offer him or her a taste your bottle of wine. Bartenders don’t always get to taste all of the wines on their lists, especially expensive bottles. You’ll be helping them gain more wine knowledge, and you’ll be one step closer to becoming a regular. Showing your appreciation for good service is not always about money.
48. Don’t bully barbacks, food runners or support staff. Don’t embarrass them if they can’t get you a drink, get change from the cash register, or perform any functions beyond their scope.
49. If you have a concern or problem, communicate it in a timely fashion to the bartender and/or a manger so they can work with you to correct it. They can’t fix what they don’t know. Don’t storm out without giving the establishment a chance to make things right.
50.  If you witness someone being abusive or inappropriate to the staff or other customers, speak up, or at least alert staff or management. According to my research, one out of every five customers is impolite, disrespectful or downright rude. Don’t be one of them.
51. Sharing your personal issues (especially quarrels between couples) with the rest of the bar makes everyone uncomfortable. Remember that you’re sharing space with other people. Be aware of your volume.
52. Crying and drama: not at the bar. If a situation escalates, take it outside or take it home.
53. Cell phones at the bar; added for emphasis only. Do I really need to elaborate?
54. Police your own crowd if they’re being jerks. Your fellow diners, the bartender, and the entire staff will really appreciate the help.
55. Couples: don’t suck face and maul each other at the bar. It’s tacky and awkward for everyone. You’re humiliating yourself and embarrassing your whole family.
56. Don’t linger forever after you’ve paid your bill whenyou know people are waiting for barstools.
57. If you’re sitting at the bar waiting for a table and your reservation will be coming up shortly, offer your bar seats to guests who are waiting to dine at the bar.
58. If you’re heading into the dining room after drinks at the bar, pay and tip the bartender before going to dinner. When you transfer the tab, the bartender usually loses.
59. When tipping, use 20% of the after-tax total as your baseline for good service. Round up and don’t leave change. Don’t play dumb if you’re visiting from a culture where tipping isn’t customary.
60. If the bartender, manager or owner comps a portion of your bill or something you ordered, you should still base the tip on the full charge. The same applies when you use a coupon or gift certificate.
61. If there’s an open kitchen, oyster shucker or special food prep (garde manger) station behind the bar, tip that person separately, above and beyond the bartender, if they provide great service and hospitality.
62. If you’re pleased with the  service and hospitality, track down your bartender before you leave and tell him or her they did a great job. Also, be sure to tell their manager on the way out.
63. If you’ve been shut off, save face, cut your losses, and get home safely. Don’t ask a different bartender or server for a drink. You’ll only make matters worse.
64. Don’t hang around forever at the end of the night. At the least, pay your bill so the home team can close out their finances. As my old boss, Vinny Dimauro, owner of John B’s Café used to say back in 1983, You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

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We Are Each Other’s Customer

Book Chapter: Human-to-Human Service

Posted: 03/23/2010

I’ve met and corresponded with some really wonderful people as a result of writing this blog. There is a growing army of people who truly get the core message and mission of this project. I frequently get calls and emails from family, friends and readers who can’t wait to share their stories about their interactions with service industry workers and fellow human beings.

When I started writing this blog in October, I didn’t know what to expect. There’s always a risk when you put yourself and your opinions “out there” that no one will give a damn. From the initial feedback I’ve received, the topic of Human-to-Human Service and Civility resonates with a lot of you. Your stories and opinions are invaluable and critical to this project. I am grateful for your participation and feedback.

In early March, I received an email from Jean Marie Johnson that included a story that cuts to the core of what my blog and book are all about. Jean Marie is an independent business consultant who focuses on the human experience at work (see LinkedIn profile). She is also co-owner of The Mountain View Inn in beautiful Norfolk, CT.

A few weeks after reading Jean Marie’s email, I got out of bed in the middle of the night and emailed her, requesting permission to share the story she told me. Jean Marie promptly responded the next morning, and included a critical message in her response; The point I make in my work is that the most powerful influencer of others’ behavior is our own. Preemptive empathy can go a long way to shifting the energy.

 Email from Jean Marie Johnson Fri, March 19, 2010 at 9:13am:

 Subject: We Are Each Other’s Customer

…As a person who has traipsed across this country “training” service people for the last 15 years, I get it, I get it.  One of the most important things I do in my workshops is acknowledge and empathize with the raw deal they get on the “server” side. And, the small help that I can be to them is to suggest that they work their influence on those mis-behaving customers by the choices they make. Here’s a little story, a case in point: 

I was in New Jersey some years ago waiting for one of those “limo services” (a van, really) to drive me back to Connecticut.  I was eighth or so in line and I knew that by the time the woman behind the counter got to me, she would be about ready to chop my head off.  The vans were all late or broken down, and the weary travelers were taking it out on the counter lady.  I prepared my strategy…

When it was finally my turn to be told that I’d just have to wait my turn, take a number, take a seat, I stepped up to her counter.  I looked her in the eyes and told her that I could see she was having a really tough day.  I went on to say that it must be really hard when the drivers don’t do their part, or the vans break down.  She melted in a flash at the human moment I had created.  She thanked me for understanding, and our partnership was sealed.

Oh, I had to wait, just like everyone else, but when I had to use the restroom, she gladly watched my bag.  She even complimented me on my straw hat.  We were in this dilemma together. When I saw someone raising his voice at her, I’d look her way and wag my head from side to side, as if to say “Ain’t it a shame the way some people act.” She would shoot me a glance and a little smile would appear on her face. You get the picture.  I’d like to think that I helped her get through that day.  I know I did, in fact…

…I am also an innkeeper, so I know a thing or two about customers, the server and the served.

Thank you, Jean Marie.

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Customer Service Workers; Would You Sacrifice Money For Manners?

Book Chapter: Customer Hall of Fame

Posted: 03/19/2010

Ok, I realize this is hypothetical and idealistic because unfortunately, we’re never going to change them all…

Nonetheless, I’m curious to know where you stand.

As I’ve been receiving emails and questionnaire responses from readers, I started thinking, Would customer service industry workers be willing to give up some of their compensation if they were guaranteed that all of their customers were good people? Is respect more important than money?

Here’s a little context:

The results from almost 200 current or former customer service industry workers who completed my questionnaire, indicate that 19% of customers are either impolite, disrespectful, or downright rude. Two follow-up questions ask workers to use adjectives to describe their best customers over the years, as well as the types of customers that they prefer. The responses are still coming in, but a quick poll of the top 5 results looks like this (I grouped  similar adjectives together.);

#1- Aware/Empathetic/Gracious.

#2- Respectful/Polite/Courteous.

#3- Friendly/Fun.

#4- Real/Genuine/Easy-going.

#5- Patient.

(I omitted generous, big tippers, etc., and interestingly, the adjectives about money didn’t even make the top ten.)

So, for everyone who interacts with customers for a living, would you trade money for manners if you were guaranteed that all of your customers would be empathetic, respectful, cool, fun, easy-going, patient, or any combo of 1-5 above? Would you forgo a portion of your tips or compensation if you were guaranteed that you wouldn’t have any rude or abusive customers? If yes, what’s the trade-off? How much of a cut in pay would you take for the peace of mind knowing that every customer you come in contact with was going to treat you with mutual respect, the way that they would want to be treated? Run with the idea any way you would like, and please include your industry and job description. Thank you very much for participating.

PS-This blog is currently leading in the balloting for Boston Magazine’s Readers’ Choice Awards. I’m grateful to everyone who has voted. If the spirit moves you, please click on Boston Magazine and place your vote. Be sure to click on the box at the bottom of the ballot if you don’t want to receive communications from Metro Corp. or Boston Magazine. You don’t have to vote for all categories, and you can vote as often as you’d like until May. Thank you for your consideration.

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The Best Defense Is a Good Offense

Book Chapter: Confronting without Confrontation

Posted: 03/15/2010

Opening and operating a successful and profitable restaurant takes an extraordinary amount of hard work. If you’ve never been part of opening a new restaurant, it is a frenetic, frightening and fantastic experience. Everything is in a constant state of flux, and you’re always a phone call or moments away from disaster. (Licensing delays, kitchen meltdowns, delivery issues, construction catastrophes, and inspection issues, to name only a few.)  

According to AA Gill, restaurant critic for The Sunday Times, 80% of independent restaurants fail within the first three years. In addition to the daunting odds stacked against them, restaurateurs also contend with an exploding number of amateur, know-it-all, online critics. Many of the entitled posters are anonymous, and naturally they are all experts at running a restaurant…

I’ve been an avid reader of restaurant reviews over the last several years. With sites like Citysearch, Chowhound, Yelp and OpenTable, anyone with internet access can broadcast an opinion to the world with very little effort. Some amateur reviewers do a tremendous job of considering all facets of operating a restaurant when posting their reviews. These folks are extremely thoughtful and fair, even when posting a very negative review. They’ll give a restaurant the benefit of the doubt, especially if the ‘problems’ they cite are not personally offensive, insulting or egregious. (Service issues at a new restaurant for example.) These reviewers have credibility because they care about restaurateur’s reputations and know that livelihoods are at stake.

Unfortunately, there’s a brigade of very irresponsible amateur reviewers who omit critical details when trashing a restaurant. Either they didn’t get their way, didn’t get something for free; or they instigated the problem. I’ve witnessed several exchanges between posters that eventually revealed “the rest of the story,” exonerating the restaurant, only to have the entire thread removed by the moderators of a site. I understand why most of the consumer sites side with the posters, but the credibility of the sites comes into question when moderators censor truths supporting restaurants and their personnel.

Some sites do offer restaurants an opportunity to share their side of the story. However, most have restrictions on how restaurants can respond and limitations on what they can respond to. The reality is that most busy restaurateurs don’t have time to respond to every inaccurate, negative comment made about their establishments. They’re too busy running their crowded restaurants!!

I’m going to discuss this topic at length in my book, but a couple of things happened over the last few weeks that I wanted to share.

I was enjoying dinner at the bar one evening when I heard a customer ask a host the dreaded question, Could I speak with a manager, please? The gentleman who asked for the manager met some resistance from his dining companion, but he remained firm and suggested she wait in the foyer if she didn’t want to hear the conversation. When the manager arrived, the customer looked him in the eye, introduced himself, calmly voiced his concern, and explained why he was leaving without eating dinner. After what looked like a productive conversation, the customer took the manager’s business card and shook his hand again before leaving. A class act.

Of course many customers race home to their keyboards and unmercifully rip restaurants to shreds, without the decency of giving the restaurant the benefit of the doubt, or an opportunity to right a wrong by speaking up when something happens. Great restaurants will do everything they can, within reason, to convert customers from guests to ambassadors. It was refreshing to see a customer step up and do the right thing instead of bombarding the Internet with “Never going back,” or, “Worst night ever,” next to the restaurant’s name. The customer who spoke up to the manager could end up become a loyal regular because he did the right thing.

Lastly, I’ve noticed a trend on facebook lately where more restaurants are posting about bad customer behavior immediately after it happens, before a customer can launch an attack. Here’s an example from one of the best restaurants in Boston that is extremely diligent about the execution of their food and their commitment to hospitality and great service;

Dear table X. We are sorry you needed to make a scene and storm out because we wouldn’t serve drinks to your underage child. No need to hurry back.

Very truly yours,

The Management.

This preemptive strike is brilliant, and inoculates anyone who might see a negative comment about the restaurant with “the rest of the story.” I recommend more restaurateurs follow suit and remember that the best defense is a good offense!

Interesting side note: According to Wikipedia; AA (Adrian Anthony) Gill was once ejected from one of Gordon Ramsay’s restaurants, along with his dining partner Joan Collins. Ramsay’s reason was that Gill had written a review of his restaurant that covered his personal life more than the food, including calling him a wonderful chef, but a “second-rate human being”.

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You Missed a Spot

Book Chapter: Personal Pet Peeves

Posted: 03/11/2010

On the facebook group I created to support my blog and book project, I’ve asked readers to submit photos of workers in action and their tools of the trade. I’ve also posted several of my own photos on the group page and here on the right-hand side of the blog. Some “expert” bloggers discourage the use of photos on blog pages because they think the photos are a distraction. I like showing real working people because I think it makes the blog posts more personal. 

Earlier today, after thinking about a new profile picture for the facebook group, I decided to use one of my trusty, old, Purdy Paint Brushes for the photo. I used to operate a painting business and still own some of the brushes I used a very long time ago. As I was uploading the photo, I started thinking about all of the inane, nonsensical comments that people made while we were working. Most of the comments weren’t original or funny, and we heard them over and over again. They drove us crazy. So I sent a text to some of the guys who used to paint with me and asked them to remind me about the comments people made while we worked.

Here are a few of the responses, including some of my own pet peeves:                                             

– When you’re done with that, can you come over to my house?                       
   (Yes, as long as you’re prepared to pay us, preferably in cash.)                                    

– What kind of paint do you use?  (I would often say, Fred’s just to bust ’em.)

– Is it hot enough for you? (Someone would always make this comment on a hundred-degree day when we were scraping old paint directly over our heads with chips, dirt, and dust falling into our sweaty, open pores.) No, we actually wish it was 50 degrees hotter and more humid…

– You missed a spot. (No I didn’t. Get away from me.)

And then there were the people who would see us at breakfast, in a store, or at a gas station, with our work clothes covered with paint and caulking who would say, Looks like you have more paint on you than on the house, or, Did you get any on the wall? (Absolute idiots.)

Is it that hard to just shut up and walk on by when people are working? Too many people feel compelled to make stupid, clichéd small talk.  Most workers loathe the gratuitous, asinine comments, and they’re not funny. (And the next time you see someone carrying flowers, please try to bite your tongue in lieu of, Are they for me?)

I know I’m sounding grouchy, but people in every industry have a certain amount of bullshit that they have to put up with. Some of it just goes with the territory and you have to suck it up and deal with it. However, some of it can be avoided, like the ridiculous comments from the peanut gallery.

I’d love to hear your stories about the stupid, redundant comments you’ve had to endure while on the job.

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